Angels in our Hearts

The hardest grief for a woman to ever bear is the loss of a child. Unborn, stillborn or infant, the pain is still the same. Your life is spent thinking as the years go by. This year you would have started school and this year you would have graduated. What color is your hair now and are your eyes still blue. Are you a daddy’s girl or maybe mama’s boy. Are you daddy’s little shadow or mama’s little helper.

Life goes on, but on your day of birth, or death, or the day your heart stopped beating. Those days are unbearable for a mother. Her heart aches to hear this child say mama and her arms ache to hold an angel. 39 years ago last August I lost my angel. 34 years ago last May I lost my angel. 24 years ago last November I lost my angel. Along the way I’ve had 4 more that lived. People say I’m blessed, but I will always grieve for the ones that are gone.

Today is a hard day for a very special friend. Today I grieve with her for I know how hard it is. I’ve researched some of these quotes and some were given to me by friends who care.

“Tiny angel rest your wings sit with me for awhile. How I long to hold your hand and see your tender smile. Tiny angel, look at me I want this image clear…That I’ll forget your precious face that is my biggest fear. Tiny Angel, can you tell me why you have gone away? You weren’t here for very long… why is it you couldn’t stay?”
Tiny Angel shook his head: “These things I do not know… But I do know that you love me, and that I love you so.”
Author Unknown

heaven-quotes

What we have once enjoyed and deeply loved we can never lose, for all that we love deeply becomes a part of us.
Helen Keller
If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever.
Author Unknown

Listen for my footfall in your heart.
I am not gone but merely walk within you.
Nicholas Evans

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How very softly you tiptoed into our world, almost silently, only a moment you stayed. But what an imprint your footsteps have left upon our hearts.
Dorothy Ferguson

“Do not judge the bereaved mother. She comes in many forms.
She is breathing, but she is dying.
She may look young, but inside she has become ancient.
She smiles, but her heart sobs.
She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she IS, but she is not, all at once.
She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity.”
Author unknown

 

God bless you Red and all the other mommies that are missing their angels.

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Life

Most people believe that life starts when you are born. I have decided that my life is just beginning. Before this I was just existing in a world others controlled as a daughter, sister, niece and cousin. Later I existed as a wife, mother, aunt, grandmother and greataunt. Let’s not forget sister-in-law and mother-in-law. I am slowly leaving all this behind. The only part that hurts is leaving my grandchildren behind, but they have parents that still control their world.

Because I decided to leave behind anyone that appeared to be causing me depression, anxiety and hatred of self, I was called stupid and was told I needed an attitude adjustment. Because I gained weight when I decided to stop smoking so I would be allowed to see my grandson, I was called fat and out of control. After watching said grandson for 6 months and gaining more weight because of the stress of worrying that I would say or do something to piss my daughter off, I had a female friend of 18 years, in her house without her permission. I have not watched him since and have only seen him once in the past 8 months.

I Respect me quotes

Now I begin my life. I will not stress about what others think or say about me. I go where I want, when I want. My life now belongs to only me for the first time in 58 1/2 years. My dream is to move away from everyone. God is my support and my comfort. Next is my baby brother, Grant and his amazing girlfriend, Red. Thanks for being there for me. My life is waking up. Hope to see you as I continue on my journey.

My brain has come alive.

brain

Fat or More to Love

I was reading another bloggers post about this article in Cosmopolitan on “What being a fat woman is really like”. She urged other fat bloggers to try the questions also. Normally, this is a subject I avoid, but this bloggers words caught my attention. What I really like is her motto, “Living With Fattitude”.

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How do you feel when other women around you complain about feeling/being fat?  That is something that has always angered me. In case you never thought about it, the women that complain about being or feeling fat, are not fat. You will never hear a fat woman, talking to her friends, say she is fat. Unless you are the fattest woman in hearing distance, and that could be an entire room. don’t call yourself fat.

How has your body image changed since high school? College?  I haven’t been smaller than a size 12 since puberty. Now at age 58, I have had 4 children and have added many pounds and inches. I had one husband call me fat at a size 14 and married the last one at a size 20, so I guess it really was in the eyes of the beholder.

Have you tried dieting? What happened?  Over the years I have tried many diets. Even now I still say I’m going on that proverbial diet. A year ago I was in a very stressful situation and gained 60 pounds. Now that the stress is gone from my life the weight is still there, but I’m no longer gaining. My doctor wants me on a diet.

Do you think in your case your weight is partly or entirely genetic?  I guess you could say it’s partly genetic. But a majority is stress related. When I get stressed, I eat. I admit that I am addicted to food. Once I start eating I don’t want to stop. Portion control is not in my vocabulary. I stopped smoking 18 months ago and I now have switched food for cigarettes.

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Do you consider yourself healthy? Have there been instances where people assumed you were unhealthy?  I think I would have to consider myself as unhealthy. I’m diabetic and just take my meds and continue eating as I want. I have asthma and weakened lungs from smoking, but my weight has made my breathing uncontrollable. Walking brings on asthma attacks, so I sit….and eat some more.

Are your parents both supportive of you at the weight you’re at? Have they always been?  My mom has been very negative lately. She keeps calling me fat and saying negative things. My dad doesn’t mention it. I think it worries him because of the health aspect and the fact that he has lived with mom’s fat comments for many years.

How do you think retailers can improve clothes for plus-size people?  I’m happy with my shift dresses and have never liked anything that clung to my body. Mass merchandiser, such as Wal-Mart, Target, etc. could find a way to carry a larger size of plus-size clothing. Many of us cannot afford to go to a specialty store.

Do you think plus-size women are judged differently than plus-sized men are? How?  I think the main place you find women being treated differently is in relationships. The males are more likely to be hurtful when it comes to a spouse being overweight.

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Do you think there’s an assumption made/stereotype that exists about plus-size people? How would you respond to it?  Of course there is. Fat people are considered lazy, ugly and gluttonous. Cartoons show them waddling, and I have never seen the crack of a skinny man’s ass in pictures. I think a lot of stereotyping is caused by fat women trying to shove their size 24 ass into a size 16 pair of pants. I’ve had people tell me that if I lost some weight I wouldn’t have to wear my shift dresses all the time. My dresses are a choice. They are comfortable and cover me. You would not like the results without them.

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Do you think there’s ever a right way or time to express concern about someone’s weight?  I think that it is okay for a friend or family member to express concern as long as it healthy, respectful and caring. My mom did it the wrong way by just calling me fat. My roommate challenges me about portion control, with love and kindness.

 What are the worst things people have said to you about your body?  I been called fat, stupid and ugly. One ex told me that the reason I needed to stay with him was because I was so fat that no one else would want me.

How did you respond?  Generally I ignore those people. You notice I said ex.

What have people said (or do you wish they’d say) that would compliment your body or appearance?  My favorite compliment came from a 12 year old. I was told that I was not fat or ugly. I was just myself.

Do you find yourself hanging out with women who are closer to your size?  No, most of my friends are smaller than I am. I have all sizes of friends. I pick my friends based on how they treat me and interact with me, not on size, age or color.

How has your weight affected your sex life, if at all?  Never has affected it. Have always been very active sexually, until recently. Now I’m taking a break, my choice.

When you’ve been single, has your weight affected your dating life?  Never affected mine. Have noticed in the last 10 years that men on dating sites are preferencing petite women. And some of them are far from petite.

Wow. This has sure been a mouthful and then some. I used to call myself ugly and fat, but  that is wrong. I’m beautiful, sexy and blessed with some amazing curves. There is much more of me to love and I have a heart as big as the state of Texas. I will not be remembered for my size, but for all the love and care you got from me. It’s time for me to celebrate the new me. The one that loves herself for what she is. Fat and beautiful. I’ve learned to “Live with Fattitude”.

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